My cat Lily yowling constantly on a cool Tuesday evening... I'm about to go nuts when my other cat Thompson starts yowling too, from downstairs. Outside the wind is mellow and pushing a lovely Ocean calm into my second story bedroom. I'm trying to work on this new writing project, high on Vicadin, Fat Tire and now I've switched to my trusty Sierra Nevada. Intermittently I'm chewing chunks of Bret Easton Ellis's brilliant new novel Imperial Bedrooms into the mess within me and ringing his paranoic style for all the inspiration it's worth (no small amount). There is a gaping hole in my mouth where blood has clotted over but occasionally surprises me with a stringy, iron-tasting dribble down the back of my throat.
Downstairs A Place To Bury Strangers is jamming at max volume. Fuck my neighbors (nothing personal).
I tip my beer but not before thinking that something urgent is transpiring somewhere in the forest of neural pathways etched into the meat between my ears.
The sun is down, it's 8:05 PM and although the chemicals and cool air are causing my fingers to lag a bit my mind is racing. I've got to get this down, got to get this down...
Two A.M. Corridor is the story of a bartender and the people he surrounds himself in an attempt to make the easy buck, get the girl who is already been explained to him is off limits and somehow avoid the frenzy of supernatural chaos that may or may not be the power behind one of the world's biggest hotel chains. Good luck Ray, you're gonna need it.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
The big fish
I stepped out of the shower this afternoon and while doing some deep breathing exercises I usually try to step into my day with for the first time I think ever I felt something behind the mask of the ego scaffold I so adamantly stick to.
I felt a quiet. Not an introspective quiet but a vast ocean of calm underneath the clothes I dress myself in when I step out of my mind and onto the stage where I interact with all of these other marvelous souls. It felt raw and primal and... powerful.
I'm going back in, after it, and suddenly I understand what David Lynch called the 'big fish'.
I felt a quiet. Not an introspective quiet but a vast ocean of calm underneath the clothes I dress myself in when I step out of my mind and onto the stage where I interact with all of these other marvelous souls. It felt raw and primal and... powerful.
I'm going back in, after it, and suddenly I understand what David Lynch called the 'big fish'.
Friday, November 13, 2009
The Smiths
I can't get them out of my head. I've never felt like this about a band before. Not that they're better or I like them more than other bands, but they're resonating with me in ways that are really kind of creepy. I'm not usually one to pay super attention to lyrics but Morrissey gets to me - he's able to capture in a few simple lines some of the most important, daunting ideas of what it is to live and love...
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Fuck you november 12th 2009
Fuck You November 12th 2009. You batter me for 9 hours with corporate-bullshit stress that makes my soul leak through my eyes, then you take my friend from me. Fuck you - I'll drive a nail the size of a gallon of alcohol through your heart and leave you dead and behind me when I wake up tomorrow in a world with one less person I love in it.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Life, the Universe and everything really worth thinking about (if you are in the habit of thinking too much)!!!
So, a long time ago I promised this in a strange aside kinda manner, and while I'm sure everyone who read it thought it was a joke, I can assure you, it most certainly is not. For damn near ten years now I have been, when not distracted by this large, slippery and often disabling thing called modern life, obsessed with cracking the codes this thing we call reality is written in. In the grand scheme of things I'm not really any further along today than I was when I started this, but I have learned an interesting trick or three, along with a wealth of information that alternately turns on and off, like some cosmic tap for bigger-than-human-life information. Not information as the two-dimensional whirly gig that flitters faster and faster through our constantly shrinking attention spans, but information as living, breathing, reality-altering substance. When actively engaged, the right information would appear more as an alien abduction than a boring snore through some ledger of letters and numbers.
Alright, I'm going to pause now to re-fill my coffee cup (my very large coffee cup) and when I return, we will begin...
SHAWN'S ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN IT ALL
Warning, this is going to begin as a series of posts of loosely intermittent information that will then tie together in the end. I hope. Anyone who reads this should keep in mind I by no means consider myself any kind of expert or enlightened individual, and thus this is as much an attempt to coalesce and congeal this stuff for myself as for anyone else. I just figured, why not do it in public, might be fun for others to watch me run around the proverbial page like a chicken with its head chopped off.
Okay, first we should start at the microscopic level. See, one thing I am sure of is we as humans are so caught up in ourselves and things taking place on our level of experience, we forget or downright snub all the other limitless levels of existence that actually help make what we see around us exist. There is an age old Hermetic maxim, and every good book on Science or Magick quotes it at least once, because it is a good compass point to mark when beginning a journey such as this. AS ABOVE, SO BELOW - in its most concise form. What this means is that the universal relationships, why's, wherefore's and properties that exist on any one of these levels of existence, as in simplicity's sake we'll say the microscopic, they also repeat in all the other levels, as let's say, the macroscopic. This means that some of the same behavior we see Electrons, Neutrons, Quarks, and all their tiny brethren exhibiting is repeated with people, planets, stars, etc. A good, simple example of this is the idea of the orbit. Planets orbit the stars that grant them life, and Electrons orbit the nucleus of an atom. ONLY this idea has changed, and I interrupt the simple definition now in an attempt to introduce a new idea forthwith. For a long time this idea of the particles of an atom mirroring the behavior of the stars worked, that is until the inception of Quantum Mechanics.
Now, in Quantum Mechanics, arguably one of the most important ideas that arose was Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which essentially says that the more you try to pinpoint the exact location of a quantum particle the more uncertain its location becomes. This is roughly due to the idea that in the time it takes to receive the light to view the particle it has changed position. Herein is the advent of the Ground State Fluctuations. Now think about this...
If you consider Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle you immediately see that while it is common place to consider matter as being made up of particles you'll realize that if those particles move fast enough that we cannot see them then wait a minute, doesn't that mean they're behaving more like waves than particles? Ahh... so what do we call something that sometimes behaves like a particle and sometimes like a wave?
We call it a 'Quanta'. Quanta is a measurement - often h*j where h= Planck's Constant and j= an amount of radiation.
Anyway, if the Universe is made up of these quanta, which are always moving, there would be a constant accumulation of energy. These are Ground State Fluctuations and they occur on such a small scale that they are responsible, to some degree, for the physical essences that make up our world (what people used to refer to as Eyther, Aether, Ayether and all other manner of spellings). Matter, from the desk my hands now type against, to my actual body are complimenting quanta all vibrating (or moving, as in ground state) at the same or similar speeds. This is why some of the Universe we see, some we feel, some we taste, smell, hear, etcetera, and some are just plain invisible to us in every way. This is why some materials bend to our strength and others do not. What moves at the same or similar speeds interacts or appears to one another. This opens us up for the idea of different 'Dimensions' because they are things vibrating at different, or non-complimentary speeds to our own and those could be said, for us, to exist in different dimensions...
Alright, I'm going to pause now to re-fill my coffee cup (my very large coffee cup) and when I return, we will begin...
SHAWN'S ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN IT ALL
Warning, this is going to begin as a series of posts of loosely intermittent information that will then tie together in the end. I hope. Anyone who reads this should keep in mind I by no means consider myself any kind of expert or enlightened individual, and thus this is as much an attempt to coalesce and congeal this stuff for myself as for anyone else. I just figured, why not do it in public, might be fun for others to watch me run around the proverbial page like a chicken with its head chopped off.
Okay, first we should start at the microscopic level. See, one thing I am sure of is we as humans are so caught up in ourselves and things taking place on our level of experience, we forget or downright snub all the other limitless levels of existence that actually help make what we see around us exist. There is an age old Hermetic maxim, and every good book on Science or Magick quotes it at least once, because it is a good compass point to mark when beginning a journey such as this. AS ABOVE, SO BELOW - in its most concise form. What this means is that the universal relationships, why's, wherefore's and properties that exist on any one of these levels of existence, as in simplicity's sake we'll say the microscopic, they also repeat in all the other levels, as let's say, the macroscopic. This means that some of the same behavior we see Electrons, Neutrons, Quarks, and all their tiny brethren exhibiting is repeated with people, planets, stars, etc. A good, simple example of this is the idea of the orbit. Planets orbit the stars that grant them life, and Electrons orbit the nucleus of an atom. ONLY this idea has changed, and I interrupt the simple definition now in an attempt to introduce a new idea forthwith. For a long time this idea of the particles of an atom mirroring the behavior of the stars worked, that is until the inception of Quantum Mechanics.
Now, in Quantum Mechanics, arguably one of the most important ideas that arose was Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, which essentially says that the more you try to pinpoint the exact location of a quantum particle the more uncertain its location becomes. This is roughly due to the idea that in the time it takes to receive the light to view the particle it has changed position. Herein is the advent of the Ground State Fluctuations. Now think about this...
If you consider Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle you immediately see that while it is common place to consider matter as being made up of particles you'll realize that if those particles move fast enough that we cannot see them then wait a minute, doesn't that mean they're behaving more like waves than particles? Ahh... so what do we call something that sometimes behaves like a particle and sometimes like a wave?
We call it a 'Quanta'. Quanta is a measurement - often h*j where h= Planck's Constant and j= an amount of radiation.
Anyway, if the Universe is made up of these quanta, which are always moving, there would be a constant accumulation of energy. These are Ground State Fluctuations and they occur on such a small scale that they are responsible, to some degree, for the physical essences that make up our world (what people used to refer to as Eyther, Aether, Ayether and all other manner of spellings). Matter, from the desk my hands now type against, to my actual body are complimenting quanta all vibrating (or moving, as in ground state) at the same or similar speeds. This is why some of the Universe we see, some we feel, some we taste, smell, hear, etcetera, and some are just plain invisible to us in every way. This is why some materials bend to our strength and others do not. What moves at the same or similar speeds interacts or appears to one another. This opens us up for the idea of different 'Dimensions' because they are things vibrating at different, or non-complimentary speeds to our own and those could be said, for us, to exist in different dimensions...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Rain
So I've been in Chicago for six days and it has rained everyday.
This is good.
However for the last two and a half days I've been sick.
This is bad.
I ended up postponing my flight back by two days (from Monday to Wed). This has been both nice and difficult. Difficult because I miss my wife and cats, nice because I get to spend more time with my Mom and Dad, kibitzing around the house of my birth (which I get womb-like inspiration from) and driving around in the rain.
The Rain.
I don't get hardly any in Southern California, and although I sure as hell would NEVER want to live in Chicago full time again I can't wait until I can come back whenever I want, stay as long as I want and soak up the rain in a leisurely fashion. I've driven by Bachelor's Grove twice today - it's perfect weather for the Midwest's most haunted cemetary (in the middle of the freakin' woods no less) and I wasn't able to get there because of this goddamn sinus infection ripping my head apart!!!
Tarot for the day:
1) 6 Wands Victory
2) 7 Disks Failure
3) XVII The Star
4) 2 Disks Change
5) IX The Hermit
6) 8 Disks Prudence
7) 10 Swords Ruin
8) 5 Disks Worry
9) (in this case unseen) Queen of Cups
I'm coming from Victories and Failures. These are the starting points or two main impulses (results?) - I'm trying to move from out from under their one-two punch and have better results. I'm My current main influence are the cosmic forces of Nuit represented by the Star card. This fits with my writing shifting back into a 'cosmic' focus. My most recent previous influence is Change, that is the need to. The future will be driven by The Hermit, which means more isolated work ahead as the lights come on and the shadow forces of inspiration are integrated further into my overall sturcture.
What is in the dark (card 6) is Prudence bright perception, vitality and healthy growth. Also possibly winning by not doing anything. This in particular is interesting as I have a lot of 'feelers' out - queries I sent and still have not received responses for. This may be an area open to Magickal 'Push'. What is in the light is Ruin, which doesn't bother me because my interpretation of that is, ah yeah, I've not gotten any positive response from the queries I did get back, so it's all in what's not yet seen.
Finally where the journey will lead is Worry, but the actual picture on the Worry card shows light shining through the dark gears - in other words I'm inclined to receive this as 'you worry and it dampens your sight, but just behind there be a light.'
Wow, a little poem there. How coffeeshop of me.
Nine isn't interpreted here because 8 wasn't one of the Major Arcana. However, The Queen of Cups is one of my cards, so this is good, interpreted as a familiar.
This is good.
However for the last two and a half days I've been sick.
This is bad.
I ended up postponing my flight back by two days (from Monday to Wed). This has been both nice and difficult. Difficult because I miss my wife and cats, nice because I get to spend more time with my Mom and Dad, kibitzing around the house of my birth (which I get womb-like inspiration from) and driving around in the rain.
The Rain.
I don't get hardly any in Southern California, and although I sure as hell would NEVER want to live in Chicago full time again I can't wait until I can come back whenever I want, stay as long as I want and soak up the rain in a leisurely fashion. I've driven by Bachelor's Grove twice today - it's perfect weather for the Midwest's most haunted cemetary (in the middle of the freakin' woods no less) and I wasn't able to get there because of this goddamn sinus infection ripping my head apart!!!
Tarot for the day:
1) 6 Wands Victory
2) 7 Disks Failure
3) XVII The Star
4) 2 Disks Change
5) IX The Hermit
6) 8 Disks Prudence
7) 10 Swords Ruin
8) 5 Disks Worry
9) (in this case unseen) Queen of Cups
I'm coming from Victories and Failures. These are the starting points or two main impulses (results?) - I'm trying to move from out from under their one-two punch and have better results. I'm My current main influence are the cosmic forces of Nuit represented by the Star card. This fits with my writing shifting back into a 'cosmic' focus. My most recent previous influence is Change, that is the need to. The future will be driven by The Hermit, which means more isolated work ahead as the lights come on and the shadow forces of inspiration are integrated further into my overall sturcture.
What is in the dark (card 6) is Prudence bright perception, vitality and healthy growth. Also possibly winning by not doing anything. This in particular is interesting as I have a lot of 'feelers' out - queries I sent and still have not received responses for. This may be an area open to Magickal 'Push'. What is in the light is Ruin, which doesn't bother me because my interpretation of that is, ah yeah, I've not gotten any positive response from the queries I did get back, so it's all in what's not yet seen.
Finally where the journey will lead is Worry, but the actual picture on the Worry card shows light shining through the dark gears - in other words I'm inclined to receive this as 'you worry and it dampens your sight, but just behind there be a light.'
Wow, a little poem there. How coffeeshop of me.
Nine isn't interpreted here because 8 wasn't one of the Major Arcana. However, The Queen of Cups is one of my cards, so this is good, interpreted as a familiar.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The Dream State
It's always interesting to me that when I pull away from the Occult like I've been for the last, hell, maybe two years, weird things stop happening to me. Lately I've been re-writing my first novel, Thee Subtle War, which was conceived and performed, for the most part, in the height of a five-year submersion in all things Magickal, and now that I'm back into it it's affecting me by creating, for now, small almost random occurrences of novelty in my day to day existence.
One of the first places this 'heightening of the senses' usually occurs is in my dream time. Never too much of a dreamer (at least as far as remembering or controlling them) Magickal perception very noticeably defines the difference between 'mundane' or 'consensual' from 'hmm, strange' or 'bat shit crazy'.
Yesterday before I went out for the evenings activities I did a simple shuffle-and-pull Tarot consultation. My card was the first card of the deck, THE FOOL. This card usually signifies the beginning of a journey, the aligning of forces, both conscious and subconscious. With so much going 'right' in my life at the moment I'm inclined to interpret my last two full-out spreads (one I posted here a week ago) and now this card as the Universe trying to tell me all elements are in place to kind of hone my day to day with my subconscious - as if to fashion my very existence into a kind of antenna or lightening rod aimed at catching, utilizing and re-firing the wide array of skills and energies I possess/can evoke to achieve my goal.
Anyway... back to my dream. Now where this fits in is a bit weird, with perhaps a touch of 'If you've convinced yourself that's great...' My dream last night/this morning was frightening. No, terrifying. I was somehow involved in a rural area's exploits to perform an exorcism on someone I knew (not sure who, bit hazy). There were definite familiar faces beside the one in trouble but who they were I couldn't tell you now. Anyway, t some point the demon was loosed. From there I remember the priest performing the rite coming in close and touching me firmly on the bridge of the nose - and it was like he passed the spirit into me. I remember feeling that the priest contained something not so nice and was passing it onto me. I woke still feeling the heat and pressure of that touch between my eyes and being pretty much immobilized with fear.
I'm taking this to be something being passed onto me, yet I'm not sure what or how it may filter into my 'Quest'. One thing for sure though, I am definitely ready for some more bizarritude in my life (not at work though). Of course that means I'll have to start actually leaving the house...
One of the first places this 'heightening of the senses' usually occurs is in my dream time. Never too much of a dreamer (at least as far as remembering or controlling them) Magickal perception very noticeably defines the difference between 'mundane' or 'consensual' from 'hmm, strange' or 'bat shit crazy'.
Yesterday before I went out for the evenings activities I did a simple shuffle-and-pull Tarot consultation. My card was the first card of the deck, THE FOOL. This card usually signifies the beginning of a journey, the aligning of forces, both conscious and subconscious. With so much going 'right' in my life at the moment I'm inclined to interpret my last two full-out spreads (one I posted here a week ago) and now this card as the Universe trying to tell me all elements are in place to kind of hone my day to day with my subconscious - as if to fashion my very existence into a kind of antenna or lightening rod aimed at catching, utilizing and re-firing the wide array of skills and energies I possess/can evoke to achieve my goal.
Anyway... back to my dream. Now where this fits in is a bit weird, with perhaps a touch of 'If you've convinced yourself that's great...' My dream last night/this morning was frightening. No, terrifying. I was somehow involved in a rural area's exploits to perform an exorcism on someone I knew (not sure who, bit hazy). There were definite familiar faces beside the one in trouble but who they were I couldn't tell you now. Anyway, t some point the demon was loosed. From there I remember the priest performing the rite coming in close and touching me firmly on the bridge of the nose - and it was like he passed the spirit into me. I remember feeling that the priest contained something not so nice and was passing it onto me. I woke still feeling the heat and pressure of that touch between my eyes and being pretty much immobilized with fear.
I'm taking this to be something being passed onto me, yet I'm not sure what or how it may filter into my 'Quest'. One thing for sure though, I am definitely ready for some more bizarritude in my life (not at work though). Of course that means I'll have to start actually leaving the house...
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